The weeks have diminished at an alarming rate. I know my time has been filled with things of value, yet identifying them is almost unthinkable; sitting in parks, drinking, smiling a lot, crying a lot, making, doing and being. Then it ended. In place of the mayhem came the lull. The silent and uncaring type of atmosphere that only leads to too much thinking and speculating. What becomes of a person when everything suddenly ceases to exist? Must I crawl under a rock somewhere and decay or flourish and present my rebellion in a cloud of glitter, sporting a sickly inane grin. Truth is, I can do neither. If ever there was a no mans land, I believe I have stumbled across it. The future is confusing and complex and the present, so perplexing.
What does one do when it suddenly becomes clear, after three decades of life, that you know where you went wrong?
Being in denial is becoming increasingly difficult, yet it has to be embraced as a coping mechanism. If no money can buy the thing you need and yet it lies within reach, how do you ever make your peace with the fact that you can't have it? Just a taste of what you truly want is so painful you might almost wish you had never known. I take great comfort in knowing; yet the sadness is all consuming when practicalities and truth come into play.
Being me is like living life in a whirlpool. I consider myself settled and suddenly everything becomes mixed up. It's something of a shock when the missing piece presents itself, I'll almost certainly never get over it. However, for the first time I really know who I am, I know what I want and with that I gained the realisation of why all those other things were never right. Fairy tales are invented, but it seems that once upon a times are an all too real possibility. I'm so grateful I allowed it :)
