Feed yourself on London

So the days drone by, perpetuating into nothingness.  Yesterday was a conundrum; do I feel fine now or am I dying inside?  It was a dark musing, yet no matter how well it was kept under wraps it crossed my mind at least every five minutes.  Beginning the day with a cold sweat following what amounted to a dream, despite its uncanny representation of the already lived.  Things were more familiar in a routine kind of way and at the same time I found myself experiencing the same kind of separation from reality that I had on Saturday.  Seeing my childrens' faces yet not registering them was not only peculiar, but alarming in a way that provoked intense questioning of self.  Nevertheless, the day was a hint more bearable than its predecessors.  The tears seemed to come less intensively and this was a relief and a respite after the density of emotions before.  Speaking to others experiencing similar things has been therapy for me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  Just hearing that voice on the end of the phone had me instantly reassured, even if the conversation was to share anguish of sorts. 

What remains is an internal conversation of analysis about what happens now.....having thrown oneself into a passion with such gusto, how can one function in the throes of monotony which is everyday life?  The answer is to find the balance, I figure.  I feel nervous and bewildered at the notion of combining motherhood with ambition, despite the way that I have managed it fairly well over the past nine years.  Suddenly the passion cannot be ignored or downgraded in importance and I must find the way to do both without sacrifice. At a point of today there came a sudden outpouring of grief which led me to realise that this will never disperse and it must be allowed to happen....

So a new quest begins and, yes, it involves that boy with the tousled hair and the insane tattoos.  We are making art my friends, together, leaning on our shared experience as support and inspiration.  I'm a spontaneous person in general, though I hold a steady head and know when to put a lid on emotions and desires.  This time I'm discarding my own insecurities and learnt habits and throwing myself into the throngs of chaos voluntarily.  I literally shook as the confirmation came through for my ticket.  On Saturday I go to London, alone, on an 8 hour journey into the complete unknown.  I will make the work that I need to make with the artist I want to make it with and then I will venture the 8 hours return to normality as if nothing ever happened.  I suspect I have taken leave of my senses, but if it all goes wrong nobody can ever say I didn't try <3